In a perfect world, no one would ever bicker or fight with the people they love, but over here in reality, arguments happen. Sometimes they’re over politics or instances of hurt feelings, other times over what temperature the thermostat should be set to.
Since arguing is inevitable, the best we can do is get better at it. No, we’re not suggesting being quicker with your comebacks, but rather learning to address conflict constructively versus destructively. Discord can lead to growth, so when a friend, family member, or romantic partner disagrees with you about something, it may be an opportunity to strengthen your bond — if you handle things in a healthy way.
Read on to learn some expert advice for doing so.
Validate and Be Curious
When we argue with someone, we often focus on getting our feelings across. But to benefit your relationship in the long term, it’s critical to also validate what the other person is experiencing — in other words, to recognize their emotions and express acceptance.
Emotional validation “plays a crucial role in building strong relationships, fostering good self-confidence, and boosting overall well-being,” clinical psychologist Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault wrote for Verywell Mind. “Whether in our friendships, romantic relationships, parenting, or the workplace, learning to be validating can strengthen our connections.” Validating someone’s feelings isn’t the same as agreeing with or endorsing their statements; it’s just a way to show we understand or are trying to. Learn more about how to practice emotional validation.
What if you truly don’t understand, though? In that case, the Center for Integrative Change recommends being “empathically curious.” Asking questions like “I don’t understand why you’re feeling that way — can you please help me?” not only helps clarify things for you but also shows the other person you care about them.
Lead With “I” Not “You”
You may have heard this advice before, but it bears repeating. As self-help guru Tony Robbins points out on his website, using “I” statements rather than “you” statements has two main outcomes. One, leading with “I” forces the speaker to take responsibility for their own feelings, perceptions, and beliefs. And two, it helps prevent the other person from feeling attacked and resentful, thus leading to a better likelihood of resolving the conflict peaceably.
There’s science behind that, too. A 2018 study that presented participants with scenarios involving colleagues, friends, and romantic partners found that using “I” statements was rated as the best strategy for conflict resolution. “Simple acts of initial language use can reduce the chances that conflict discussion will descend into a downward spiral of hostility,” the authors wrote.
Avoid Absolutes
We’re all likely guilty of using absolutes at some point in an argument: Comments like, “You always do this when my parents come over” or “You never listen to my point of view!” Similarly to “you” statements, absolutes are unproductive because they inspire immediate defensiveness.
“When you say ‘never!’ or ‘always’ to someone, the first thing they will do is disagree, citing a contrary example from the past,” famed psychotherapist Esther Perel explained in a blog post. “Don’t shift your feelings into pseudo-factual talk. The best thing you can do in an always/never situation is say, ‘It feels like you do this all the time. Probably you don’t but in this moment, I feel like it’s so.’”
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Even if you’re aware that absolutes aren’t beneficial, the person you’re arguing with may not be. To avoid debating the accuracy of an accusation of this sort, it can be helpful to understand the motivation behind it. For instance, if someone says you “never” listen to them, retired clinical psychologist Leon F. Seltzer suggests thinking about why they’ve made the claim, rather than whether or not it’s 100% true.
“In this context (and many others), beneath this poorly phrased accusation is an unmet need, which might be worded: ‘I need you to pay more attention to me and to hear and validate my point of view, especially when it differs from yours — not merely express your viewpoint and ignore or belittle my own,’” he wrote for Psychology Today.
Try Affectionate Touch
In another 2018 study, couples who lightly held hands prior to and during an argument experienced improved conflict behavior and reduced stress. While the research focused on romantic partners, it stands to reason that placing a kind hand on a friend or family member’s arm when things are heating up could have a similarly soothing effect, as affectionate touch leads to the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. When we fight with someone close to us, it can feel like we’re on opposite sides of the planet; connecting physically may help bridge that divide.
Recognize That Some Issues Just Aren’t Solvable
No matter how constructively you argue, sometimes, there just isn’t an achievable resolution. According to research from the Gottman Institute, 69% of conflict in romantic relationships is about perpetual problems, “either fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.”
Because these issues don’t have easy “fixes,” they need to be managed rather than solved. The Institute recommends creating a dialogue around them so they don’t turn into gridlocked perpetual problems.
“The goal should be to establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem, rather than allowing it to fall into the condition of gridlock,” per the Institute. “Gridlocked discussions only lead to painful exchanges or icy silence, and almost always involve the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness).”
In the end, approaching conflict constructively — be it with colleagues, friends, family, or romantic partners — comes down to practicing patience, acceptance, and respect.
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