Where there’s a will, there’s a way — but what if you have no will? Whether you want to get better at putting down that cookie, taking deep breaths before blowing up at a friend, or resisting your fifth Amazon purchase of the week, mastering self-control is an important life skill when it comes to relationships with ourselves and others.
There’s plenty of scientific evidence to back up that claim; research shows that self-discipline may help boost everything from academic success to life satisfaction. But as anyone who’s ever made a New Year’s resolution knows, harnessing willpower is more difficult than it sounds.
Below, we unpack exactly what self-control is (including breaking down the three types), dive into the benefits it can bring to your life, and offer specific, tangible tips to help you hone your skills.
What Is Self-Control?
According to Psychology Today, self-control “is what separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom.” If you’ve ever tried to potty train a puppy, you know exactly what that means. While your pup doesn’t think twice about tinkling as soon as it needs to, the publication explains that via self-control, humans can “manage one’s impulses, emotions, and behaviors to achieve long-term goals” — an ability linked to the prefrontal cortex in the brain.
What’s been dubbed “the hot and cool system” has also been used to frame the concept. In a 1999 study, psychologist Walter Mischel explained that our ability to exert self-control can be traced to two internal systems: our “hot, emotional ‘go’ system,” which encourages us to be impulsive, and our “cool, cognitive ‘know’ system,” which allows us to self-regulate. Both serve important purposes (somewhat fittingly, we get our passions from the hot system), but the cool one helps us resist impulses (and perhaps adds further context to the term “frigid”).
But willpower isn’t just about managing whims and cravings. In fact, impulse control is only one of the three main arenas in which we can exert self-control:
- Impulse control: This is the ability to look before you leap — to pause and think about the potential benefits and consequences of an action before taking it.
- Emotional control: People who can regulate their feelings have this in spades. Staying calm amid small grievances, for example — like someone cutting in front of you in line at the coffee shop — can indicate strong emotional control. On the flip side, remaining in a bad mood for an extended period of time may exemplify weak emotional control.
- Movement control: This allows us to manage our body and how it moves. That may sound obvious (who else would control our movements if not ourselves?), but being unable to sit still when we’re restless or accidentally crashing into objects often can be signs of poor movement control.
The Upsides of Practicing Self-Control
Self-control has been well-studied over the years — largely because, as social psychologist Roy F. Baumeister told the American Psychological Association, “the practical significance” of the ability is “enormous.”
“Psychology has identified two main traits that seem to produce an immensely broad range of benefits: intelligence and self-control,” he explained. “Despite many decades of trying, psychology has not found much one can do to produce lasting increases in intelligence. But self-control can be strengthened. Therefore, self-control is a rare and powerful opportunity for psychology to make a palpable and highly beneficial difference in the lives of ordinary people.”
And there’s plenty of research to back up Baumeister’s statement. Unsurprisingly, the ability is associated with numerous qualities that are helpful for fostering fulfilling relationships, such as forgiveness, healthy and committed loving styles, smooth daily interactions, and the absence of conflict. It’s also been linked to overall happiness and life satisfaction, with one study suggesting that those of us with higher self-control are more likely to exhibit behaviors that lead to positive outcomes.
In addition, practicing self-control from a young age offers even more upsides. A study of 140 eighth graders indicated that self-discipline had more of an impact on their final grades, school attendance, and hours spent doing homework than their IQ. Another study spanning 40 years suggested that “childhood self-control strongly predicts adult success, in people of high or low intelligence, in rich or poor,” the authors wrote for American Scientist.
However, it’s important to note that the starting point isn’t always the same for everyone. Elliot Berkman, a psychology professor at the University of Oregon, points out that economic status can be a significant obstacle to practicing self-control. In an article for The New Republic, he wrote that while society tends to blame poor people for their financial circumstances on the grounds that they lack self-control, poverty “forces them to live in the present.” Berkman noted that self-control, or making choices that lead to long-term outcomes instead of short-term ones, is a “luxury if you don’t know how you’ll survive today.”
3 Tips for Improving Your Self-Control
If you have the means and want to reap the benefits of self-control, the following guidelines can help you get started.
Practice Makes Perfect
OK, so achieving perfect self-control may be an impossible goal — but to up your game in this arena, you’ll need to actually practice it. While taking that first step may seem ultra-intimidating, there’s light at the end of the tunnel: One study found that practicing self-control built participants’ capacity to leverage it, as well as strengthened the endurance and power of their self-discipline abilities.
“As with a muscle, [self-control] gets stronger from regular exercise,” Baumeister said. “So engaging in some extra self-control activities for a couple weeks produces improvement in self-control, even on tasks that have no relation to the exercise activities.” He added that even small activities, such as using a different hand to brush your teeth, can help.
Plan for Temptation
Even the most ironclad of wills can crumble when temptation is unexpectedly sprung upon them. In these situations, the American Psychological Association recommends using an “implementation intention” strategy — an “if-then” statement, thought up ahead of time, that can help you make better decisions.
For instance, if you’re trying to avoid sweets but have been invited to a gathering where you know a smorgasbord of desserts will be served, you might plan ahead and bring a few of your own healthy snacks. Your “if-then” statement in this situation might be: “If I can’t find any snacks without sugar, then I’ll munch on my own.”
Try Meditation
Before you can control your impulses, it helps to be aware of what they are — and that’s where meditation comes in. One study found that mindfulness meditation, “a set of different mental techniques to train attention and awareness,” was a “quick and efficient strategy” to improve self-control. Using this practice can direct your mind to ignore distractions and help you stay in the present, which ultimately enables you to become more aware of your actions on a daily basis.
So whether you’re looking to eat healthier, improve your relationships, or save more money (which sounds like a perfect trifecta to us!), remember that self-control isn’t about restriction. It’s about unlocking what’s possible — and right now’s the perfect time to begin.
RELATED: The 3 Types of Empathy and How to Increase Them in Your Relationships
Share to:
