Most of the time, we hear others when they’re talking to us. But are we truly listening to them and letting it be known? The answer to this question is what separates passive listeners from active ones — the former may retain what people are telling them, but the latter takes steps to show that they’re engaged in the conversation and seeking to fully understand what they’re being told.
Paying close attention when people are speaking is a skill worth pursuing: Research suggests that active listeners are better liked and more adept at making others feel seen, while leaders who listen attentively may be considered more trustworthy.
And in general, it’s a simple way to show that you care. “It helps people feel more understood and strengthens relationships, as it signals a willingness to sit with the other’s perspective and empathy for their situation instead of a singular focus on oneself,” clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff told Verywell Mind. “Ultimately, it shows respect and value for the other person’s needs, concerns, and ideas as the listener is actively signaling the other person matters to them.”
Join us as we dive into six strategies for boosting your active listening skills.
How to Be an Active Listener
Listen With a Purpose
How many times have you (even accidentally) tuned out what someone was saying because you were too focused on how you were going to respond? The first step to active listening, according to psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener, is to absorb what someone is communicating with the intention to connect.
“If I am listening in order to appreciate you or connect with you, I’m going to pay extra special attention to your emotion words, your tone of voice, to potential shared experiences or mutual enjoyment or hobbies,” Biswas-Diener told CNBC.
Set Distractions Aside
This one may sound obvious, but it’s worth mentioning: You can’t actively listen if you’re on your phone, playing with your dog, or doing something else distracting. Even when your hands are free, make sure to home in on what someone is saying rather than letting your thoughts wander.
Not only will giving someone your full attention help them feel that you’re engaged in the conversation, but it also allows you to pick up on nonverbal cues that can offer a more complete picture of how they’re feeling. And according to a 2019 study, mindfulness — or the practice of staying fully present — may help foster supportive communication.
Use Your Body Language
One of the simplest ways to reflect back that you’re actively listening is through your body language. When it comes to eye contact, consider following the 50/70 rule: Maintain eye contact 50% of the time while speaking, and 70% when listening. Also, nod and use appropriate facial expressions to react to what the other person is saying.
To help others feel comfortable opening up, make sure the rest of your nonverbal signals are relaxed as well — for instance, you might uncross your legs or arms, lean in or tilt your head slightly, or mirror the speaker’s expressions.
Ask Follow-up Questions
Follow-up questions essentially offer someone proof that you’re listening. In a 2017 study, researchers found that those who asked them were better liked by their conversation partners. Specifically, they were viewed as displaying higher responsiveness, understanding, validation, and care.
“Questions are the most powerful tool in listening because they can invite so much more speaking and because they can influence the direction of the conversation,” Biswas-Diener told CNBC.
However, not all follow-up questions are created equal. Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks explained that there are three types to avoid: queries asked only for the purpose of answering them yourself, “gotcha” questions designed to test someone’s knowledge, and repeated inquiries that can come across as badgering.
Instead, pose more open-ended questions. In addition to showing that you’re genuinely invested in the conversation, they can help others feel understood and valued.
Know When to Respond
Responding quickly to someone also demonstrates that you’re actively listening and enhances feelings of social connection, according to research from 2022. However, when you jump in to say something, refrain from rapidly changing the subject — and try to discern when staying quiet is the better choice.
For instance, when someone stops talking to gather their thoughts or the courage to express deeper feelings, it’s generally helpful to practice strategic silence. Authors of a 2002 study found that “silent pauses in conversation can signal attentiveness, encourage speaker elaboration, and facilitate empathic turn-taking,” researcher Rodney Luster wrote for Psychology Today. “When we are asked questions, ‘silent pausing’ conveys to the speaker introspect, and respect for what is being said.”
Receive Empathically
In his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the late psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg encourages readers to refrain from jumping in to offer advice, pass judgment, or share their own stories when others open up. Instead, he recommends “receiving empathically,” researcher Elizabeth Dorrance Hall referenced in a piece for Psychology Today. The idea is that when we empty our minds and listen “with our whole being,” we create space for people to share freely while we take in what they’re observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.
According to Rosenberg, one way to show we’re doing this is to reflect back what others have told us, which can both help us clarify what they’re saying and confirm that we correctly understood their message — a practice that can save time and make people feel heard. Hall noted: “In a sense, we become emotionally involved in their message and it shows.”
RELATED: “Create Space for Understanding”: Expert Advice on How to Stop Being Easily Offended
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