It feels good to belly laugh, it’s healthy to cry, and it can be helpful to get angry. Experiencing our emotions deeply (particularly a wide range of them) is a beautiful part of life — but when we stay stuck in our feelings, they can start to run the show, influencing our actions and behaviors in ways that don’t serve us. So how do we know where to draw the line?
That’s where emotional sobriety comes in. Conceptualized by Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, the practice was originally meant to go hand in hand with physical sobriety, or abstaining from using addictive substances. While the practice was created with addicts in mind, the notions behind it — learning to regulate your emotions and turning inward for your self-esteem — aren’t limited to those in recovery.
To learn more about emotional sobriety, we sought the insights of Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the NewYork-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical College. Read on for her advice on adopting the practice into your own day-to-day routine.
What Is Emotional Sobriety?
In a 1958 article published in AA Grapevine, Wilson referenced the struggle of being “unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round.” He also shared that when he relied almost entirely on others to supply his own self-worth, depression inevitably followed.
Over time, psychologists have come to understand that for addicts, the physical act of removing substances isn’t always enough — it’s also necessary to learn to manage the underlying emotions people may be trying to cope with through drugs or alcohol.
“Emotional sobriety is the development of healthy emotional regulation skills, the ability to tolerate distress, and the capacity to have self-acceptance such that you don’t rely on substances to do those things,” Saltz explained to Nice News. “It is both a target of treatment for substance abuse and a measure of successful treatment. It has been recognized that most patients need to learn alternative emotional coping skills to successfully decrease or stop substance use.”
The ultimate goal of emotional sobriety, one that can apply to anyone, psychologist Allen Berger wrote, is “transcending our emotional dependency and developing the capacity to emotionally support ourselves — to learn to stand on our own two emotional feet.”
How to Practice Emotional Sobriety
Recognize Your Emotions
Another important tenet of AA is to “accept life on life’s terms.” Introduced in the organization’s foundational text, often called the “Big Book,” the idea involves embracing life as it is, difficult emotions and all. For addicts, this may look like feeling emotions instead of turning to drugs or alcohol to mask them, but for everyone else, it can mean holding space for those feelings without allowing them to take over.
“I believe that emotional sobriety is less about the quality of the feeling (‘good’ or ‘bad’) and more about the general ability to feel one’s feelings. Being restored to sanity isn’t about getting the brass ring — or cash and prizes — or being ‘happy, joyous, and free’ all the time, but it is about being in the present moment, whatever it happens to look like,” licensed clinical psychologist Ingrid Clayton wrote for Psychology Today, adding, “Can you be present to all of your feelings without any one of them defining you?”
One way to start putting this into practice is by learning to identify your emotions. Try journaling or having a conversation with a friend or family member to parse through your thoughts, then attach words (frustrated, embarrassed, etc.) to your feelings. Meditation has also been shown to help increase our awareness and improve emotional regulation: Learn more about it and try a beginner-friendly version.
Regulate Your Nervous System
A key part of emotional sobriety, according to Saltz, is learning to regulate your central nervous system — the part of your nervous system, including the brain and spinal cord, that gathers information and manages your thoughts and feelings.
Emotional sobriety “involves adopting specific skills to evaluate and gain perspective on distressing emotions, while using techniques to reduce the peak of the distress experience,” Saltz said. “This allows for better behavioral decisions because your central nervous system is more regulated.”
A variety of professionally assisted techniques can help you do this long-term, she noted (more on that below). But from taking a physiological sigh to prioritizing sleep, there are also several ways you can ease out of a heightened emotional state on your own. (You might consider creating your own mental health tool kit filled with objects and ideas to help you self-soothe when you’re in a state of stress.)
Seek Support
A task as challenging as mastering your emotions isn’t meant to be accomplished overnight — and it’s often not something to be completed alone. Finding a qualified mental health professional can broaden your toolbox on your emotional sobriety journey, Saltz explained.
“Techniques used in emotional sobriety, such as relaxation techniques, awareness and acceptance training, compassionate self-support, emotional analysis and modification, CBT, and DBT, are all skills that can help anyone manage emotional regulation and handle distressing emotions,” she said.
Berger also offers a variety of free resources to guide those looking to work on their emotional regulation, including a weekly workshop, a podcast, and a guided meditation focused on relaxing into life’s discomforts. Check them out here.
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