“I should’ve known better.”
“C’mon, you’ve got this!”
“It’s just my luck.”
There’s a decent chance you’ve heard these phrases before — right inside your very own head. That’s because they’re common examples of self-talk, the internal dialogue we have with ourselves throughout the day. At certain times it’s unconscious and at others it’s obvious, but one thing’s for sure: Our mental chatter quietly shapes our actions, expectations, and well-being, for better or for worse.
“When we engage in positive self-talk, like ‘I can handle this’ or ‘I’ve done this before,’ we tend to boost our confidence, reduce anxiety, and improve performance,” mental health practitioner, educator, and author Sheila Robinson-Kiss explains to Nice News. “In contrast, negative self-talk — ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I always mess up’ — can increase stress, undermine motivation, and contribute to issues like depression or low self-esteem.”
Research shows that negative self-talk can stimulate the amygdala, the part of the brain that regulates emotions like fear and anxiety. When we feel threatened by real or non-existent dangers, the amygdala helps trigger the release of adrenaline and cortisol. These are stress hormones that raise our heart rates and blood sugar, and can impair digestion, decrease sleep quality, and deplete serotonin levels, potentially contributing to depression and other mental health issues when levels are too high.
But positive self-talk has been found to activate the brain’s reward system, stimulating the release of dopamine. Think of this as the “happiness hormone” — it increases our sense of pleasure and satisfaction, improves our motor skills, sharpens our memory, and heightens our cognitive abilities like decision-making and problem-solving. (Putting these observations into practice, one 2020 study involving golf players showed that both motivational — “I can do this” — and instructional — “eyes on the ball” — self-talk improved participants’ coordination and energy levels.)
“Positive self-talk lowers stress and anxiety by calming down your nervous system,” says Michelle Maidenberg, a psychotherapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. “As a result, you’re able to think more clearly, manage your emotions effectively, and approach challenges with greater confidence and resilience.”
When turned into a habit and practiced over time, she adds, positive self-talk can also “boost your self-esteem, improve your motivation, and even support better physical health by strengthening your immune system and heart function. People who engage in positive self-talk are also more willing to take healthy risks, pursue growth opportunities, and bounce back more quickly from setbacks.”
Despite its many physical and mental benefits, turning positive self-talk into a habit is often easier said than done: A person’s predisposition toward positive or negative self-talk often hinges on factors outside their control, like their upbringing, exposure to trauma, and preexisting health conditions.
But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible. As with many mental health journeys, the first step is introspection. “When people find that they naturally gravitate toward one form of self-talk over another,” says Melissa Doman, organizational psychologist and author of Yes, You Can Talk About Mental Health at Work, “I would recommend being curious as to why. If someone is struggling to engage in positive self-talk, I’d ask them, ‘Would you be that unkind to a friend?’ Whenever I do this, the answer is overwhelmingly and predictably a ‘no!’ Then I’d suggest they establish why they want to engage in positive self-talk first, before actually engaging in the practice. Getting yourself to buy into the value, purpose, and necessity is just as important as the self-talk itself.”
Robinson-Kiss offers three main tips for learning to be gentler with our self-narratives, the first of which echoes Doman:
1. Start With Awareness, Not Perfection
“Begin by simply noticing your inner dialogue without judgment. Keep a journal or use a notes app to jot down recurring negative thoughts. Awareness is the first step to change. Once you recognize a negative pattern, gently reframe it — for example, change ‘I always mess up’ to ‘I’m learning and growing through each mistake.
2. Use the Third-Person Technique
“Speak to yourself as if you were talking to a friend or using your name. For example, instead of ‘I’m such a failure,’ try, ‘Sheila, you’ve handled tough things before — you can figure this out, too.’ This creates distance from self-criticism and activates a more supportive mindset.”
3. Anchor Positive Statements to Routine Habits
“Tie a short, positive affirmation — ‘I am capable’ or ‘I deserve peace’ — to a daily habit, like brushing your teeth or washing dishes. Repeating it consistently in these moments makes it easier to build the habit of positive self-talk gradually and naturally.”
And Maidenberg recommends eight key strategies:
1. Start by Noticing, Not Changing
“Awareness is the first step. Simply observe when you’re engaging in negative self-talk without trying to change it immediately.”
2. Name Your Inner Critic
“Give it a silly name, like ‘Nagging Nancy’ or ‘Doomsday Dan.’ This creates psychological distance and makes the critical voice less powerful.”
3. Practice “Thought Checking”
“Ask yourself: ‘Is this thought true? Is it helpful? What would I say to a friend in this situation?’”
4. Use the “Third-Person Technique”
“Research shows that using your own name or ‘you’ in self-talk (as in ‘Michelle, you’ve handled tough things before’) increases emotional regulation and reduces anxiety.”
5. Create Positive Mantras or Affirmations
“Write simple, believable affirmations like ‘I’m learning to trust myself,’ and repeat them daily. Avoid affirmations that feel too far from your current reality — they may backfire.”
6. Catch and Replace
“When you hear the negative voice say ‘I’m terrible at this,’ consciously reframe it to ‘I’m still learning, and that’s OK.’”
7. Visual Reminders
“Leave sticky notes with positive reminders around your home or workspace. This keeps uplifting thoughts in your visual field.”
8. Practice Self-Compassion
“Remember, it’s normal to struggle. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a close friend.”
Even though the way we talk to ourselves may seem deeply ingrained and difficult to change, we can reframe our internal monologues with patience, practice, and perseverance. “Your brain has something called neuroplasticity,” Maidenberg concludes, “meaning it literally rewires itself based on repeated thoughts and behaviors.”
In other words, keep those sticky notes at the ready!
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